


The Heart You Shattered

by Sterek_Always



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Brief Stony - Very Brief, Depression, Endgame stucky, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 05:08:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17461199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sterek_Always/pseuds/Sterek_Always
Summary: The raving screams of the party echoed out into the street where Steve sat with his knuckles clenched against Bucky’s skin. Bucky’s eyes welling with tears that threaten to fall to his cheeks.“I didn’t mean it.” Bucky mumbles, “I didn’t mean it Stevie.”





	1. Steve

**Author's Note:**

> So this turned out a bit darker than originally planned. However I am still proud and happy. I hope you might enjoy it.
> 
> All criticism and comments welcome! :)

The soft blue radiated from his eyes, ensnaring Steve in them from across the room. Bodies flashed in and out of his vision across the dance floor but the light brown haired man across the room drew his attention. As soon as Steve had entered the dance club, unwillingly dragged by his best friend Natasha, Steve had noticed the multiple eyes that immediately snapped to him. Some were girls who tried to approach him throughout the night, others men who Steve feigned interest in for a song or two in order to please Natasha. But the blue eyes across the room had stayed on him through all of it. Though they never moved to approach him, knowing he should keep his distance.

Natasha had whispered to Steve, early in the night when she noticed he had been staring at blue eyes, asking if Steve wanted to leave. Part of Steve wanted to agree with her, hightail his ass out of there and go sit at home by himself for the remainder of the evening. Another part, the winning part, said he was fine, Steve wanted to show blue eyes that he was fine and wasn’t wallowing in self pity at home by himself. 

Especially not two months after their break up. Steve has definitely moved on.

Steve had met Bucky at a college party in their first year at Harvard. It wasn’t until their second year of friendship, after a whole 12 months of secretly pining after one another, that they confessed their feelings. The raw truths laced with a year of angst still warmed Steve’s heart just thinking about it. Though the blue eyes stung to look into. 

Steve had begun to question them three months ago when Bucky started to distance himself. Originally Steve had thought it was just a normal distancing, maybe Bucky simply didn’t like Steve anymore. It hurt, but he could deal with it. Then Steve found him in bed with another friend from Harvard, her long hair sweaty and sticking to both their bodies as they turned to him with shock. Lying in his and Bucky’s bed under the covers that they had bought together.

The same blue hue of guilt and terror shone across the room at Steve now. But it was good to know that, like Steve, Bucky had moved on as well and was out partying. Picking up lovers for the evening.

Steve’s gut wrenched at the thought. Maybe Natasha has been right, they should have just left. 

The lights around him flashed continuously in quick spurts of red, blue and green creating an aura of a party, of fun. The pungent smell of sweat and alcohol however ruined the fun aspect for Steve, his night slowly turning from fun to overwhelming. The alcohol taking little affect on his brain, the music frying his senses, the mass of bodies creating an unbearable heat from constant movement and heavy breathing so close to him and the deep gazing stare of sharp blue eyes that never seemed to leave him. Goosebumps rising on his skin. His hands starting to shake with nervous adrenaline.

A hand crept onto his shoulder from behind, his first instinct to grab and wrench it from him, turning to face the intruder. The man that stood before him had a short spiky black hair, glasses adorning his nose that hid a pair of deep forest brown eyes shining against the flashing lights. Steve could se that the guy’s shirt has ripped at the collar, obviously from all his hard partying that has led him to approach Steve.

“Hi!” The guy yelled over the music. “My name is Tony! What is yours?”

Steve stared blank faced at the guy...Tony apparently...and tried to sort the wild thoughts running through his head. The smile stretching across Tony’s lips made him look charming, the way he ran a hand through his hair made him look sexy and the anticipating nervousness of his body made him look cute. Steve pulled himself from his thoughts to reply.

“Steve.” He announced, offering a hand for Tony to shake.

Tony laughed and pulled him in close, “I thought we might go and dance, maybe talk a bit about what you do and then go back to mine.”

Very up front, Steve thought and blushed. He simply nodded and found himself being pulled to the dance floor. Tony immediately beginning to move in a comfortable rhythm that Steve matched and swayed with, his hand reaching for Tony’s shoulder. Without realising Steve’s eyes left Tony and wandered back to Bucky, he stopped dancing for a split second in shock.

“What’s wrong Steve?” Tony asked sincerely.

“N-nothing’s wrong. It’s fine, I’m fine.” Steve replied and smiled widely as he continued to keep moving. But his eyes kept glancing over.

The glaring blue eyed boy stared back at Steve as he pulled a blond boy closer and kissed him viciously. His eyes still on Steve as he pulled a girl down by her shirt to straddle his hips and run his tongue over her throat as she began to make out with the blond boy beside them. His eyes blank with an unreadable expression from across the room. 

Steve’s grasp tightened on Tony’s shoulder before he let go. Stuttering out what he hoped expressed a ‘goodbye’ and a ‘thank you’ as he fled the scene. He caught sight of Natasha’s red hair on the outskirts of the bar and hurriedly walked over, tapping her shoulder and indicating him leaving. She nodded solemnly and bid farewell to the guy she was talking to, Steve too wrapped up to register who it was. Natasha gripped him firmly by the hand and walked him towards the door, his head down in disarray.

The cold air hit Steve like a brick wall. Washing over him in waves of soothing sharp air. Forcing him to breathe slowly and exhale heavily. He leaned heavily against a brick wall as Natasha rubbed his back. He didn’t need to explain what had happened, she seemed to understand and sighed heavily.

“It’s okay Stevie.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Sorry. Look, it’s fine that your not ready, it’s perfectly fine. But I’m proud of you tonight for staying as long as you did. I could see it was hard for you.”

“I’m sorry I dragged you away.”

“Don’t be. Banner and I share a class, I’ll see him tomorrow in Psych anyway. He’ll understand.”

Steve nodded. His lungs filling with chilling air as his breathing slowed down to a reasonable pace. His hands visibly less shaky. 

“Why would he do this to me Nat?”

Natasha sympathetically frowned, she had given him an array of answers before but seemed to have run out. Maybe she simply was trying to tell him that they would never know. His heart dropped even further and Steve closed his eyes. His head falling backwards and thumping the brick.

“I wouldn’t do that, you might hurt yourself.” A gruff voice spoke from a few metres away. Steve’s eyes suddenly open and alert, staring at the blue eyed familiar man leaning against the brick. “Hey Stevie.”

Natasha growled from beside Steve. Her posture changing to a stiff stance that read strongly of ‘back off’. Bucky didn’t move.

“It’s fine Nat, I want to talk to him.” Steve announces without taking his eyes off Bucky. From the corner of his eye he can see Natasha turn to him, shocked. But she hardens and stomps away.


	2. Bucky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as an extra warning, though it is in the tags, there is mentions of anxiety, depression, self-harm and suicide stuff. Though I know a bit about these issues I won’t pretend to know everything and if these things do offend you in anyway or you feel like I have portrayed them in a way that may be offensive. I do apologise and it will be rectified. 
> 
> All criticism and comments welcome! :)

Bucky’s heart trembles against his throat. He leans against the brick to hold himself upright as he stumbles towards Steve, his beautiful Steve. Steve who now looks at him with disgust but an underlining frown of confusion. Bucky wants to laugh, he knows exactly how it feels to look at himself with disgust and confusion.

The mistakes he’s made crash into his mind like knives to his gut, he can hear himself screaming to stop, to stop and think. 

The anxiety and racing thoughts of guilt tingle his skin. He scrapes his nails over his knuckles in anguish. Unsure of what to say to Steve now that he finally has his attention. Bucky has imagined this moment for two months, confronting Steve and telling him what was going on. Telling him why he did it. But it was never that simple. Cause deep down Bucky knew that it was all his fault and nothing could excuse what he did with that girl- he couldn’t even remember her name.

It was disgusting. He was disgusting. Everything about Bucky, down to his bones was disgusting and not worth it. He definitely was not worth anything in comparison to Steve. He didn’t even deserve to be standing in front of him. This was a mistake, Bucky thought.  
Steve doesn’t deserve this.

“Stop that Bucky.” Steve says simply, immediately Bucky stops digging his nails into his hands, the smell of blood on his fingernails. “You do that when your nervous, why are you nervous?”

“I- uh I wanted to talk to you.” Bucky mutters. “I wanted to see if you were alright. Make sure you were doing ok.”

“And why do you think you deserve to know. After what you did to me you lost that right.” Steve snaps.

Bucky winces.

“Y-your right Steve. I shouldn’t of come out here. Look, I’m sorry for bothering you.” Bucky turns to leave and yanks open the door, the music and screaming from inside intensifying.

“Wait! Bucky at least explain to me why. You owe me that.” This makes Bucky stop and turn back. 

“I don’t know if I can, Stevie, I can’t...I don’t know how to.”

“Please try.” Steve’s pleading eyes draw Bucky back in and he closes the door, walking towards him. Steve sits down slowly against the brick wall, facing the small alleyway that leads down to a curving street of New York. Bucky joins him.

“I didn’t know how to talk to you then- and I sure as hell don’t now. But you gotta understand that I never meant to hurt you, I never wanted you to get hurt and I thought that maybe if I didn’t tell you then it would pass and I would be able to forget about it.

“The...anxiety I guess, started during last year and I was constantly having to shake this overwhelming feeling of dread about exams, about my family and life. Sometimes it was about you but most of the time you brought me out of it. And I think the fact that you became my escape from my own thoughts was why I couldn’t tell you, cause if you knew I was waking up shaking and crying during the night then you wouldn’t be an escape anymore and I couldn’t deal with it. I didn’t want to burden you either. It sounds stupid but I guess that just what I thought.

“You caught on I think, you starting asking if something was wrong and then I started to focus on thoughts about you finding out. About how if you knew I was thinking about death and about...cutting...and...killing myself.” Bucky pauses to take in a shaky breath, not realising that Steve has scooted closer to him, almost shoulder to shoulder. “I thought you would leave me. That you would leave me alone and I wouldn’t be able to cope with that and then I really would...you know. So I starting distancing myself and I couldn’t stop obsessing over you not finding out. 

“Then I started drinking. Cause at least that was a temporary solution and I could escape for a few hours. Afterwards I felt three times worse of course. One night I got really drunk and decided that instead of burdening you and making you have to live with me I would make you hate me and leave. That way you would leave me, but it wasn’t because of...what was happening. We hadn’t been sleeping together the last month cause I didn’t want you to see what I had been doing to myself.”

Bucky slowly pulls up the long sleeve gently to show Steve his stomach. The etched slashes of scars from blades. Some knew with red puffy skin still around them, scabbing just starting to cover them. Some even newer wrapped by gauze where he had cut a little too deep. Steve reached out suddenly, Bucky immediately tensing but not flinching away as Steve traced the lines of older ones, ones that had been drawn when they were still together. 

The raving screams of the party echoed out into the street where Steve sat with his knuckles clenched against Bucky’s skin. Bucky’s eyes welling with tears that threaten to fall to his cheeks. 

“I didn’t mean it.” Bucky mumbles, “I didn’t mean it Stevie.” He wasn’t sure if he meant the self harming, the cheating, the lying or the pain he had caused Steve. It was a mixture of them all, all the horrible things he has done.

“You were depressed. You wrapped yourself up into a messed up ball of lies that trapped you. And I’m sorry you couldn’t feel like you could talk to me.”

Bucky nodded. He felt an awful wave of pain wash over his heart. 

“I know you hate me Steve, but please, please don’t think I did it to hurt you. I didn’t want to hurt you. I love you.” Bucky’s tears start falling and soak his cheeks. He goes to turn away in shame, not wanting Steve to see him. 

“You did hurt me,” Bucky whimpers, “but I don’t hate you Buck. I hate what you did to yourself but I couldn’t hate you. I love you too, I still do.”

Bucky leans his head back against the wall. He closes his eyes, they sting with warmth from his tears.

“I’m a mess.” He states.

“Maybe,” Steve shrugs, “but it’s ok, your ok. I want to help you.”

“No you don’t.” Bucky turns to meet his eyes, “you should just leave me alone.”

“I don’t think I can, Buck.”

“I’m seeing someone.”

“Oh, oh.”

“No!” Bucky suddenly sits up straight. “No! I meant I’m seeing a therapist! Not that I was...I’m not...I could never get over you.”

“I couldn’t either. I haven’t even been able to get out of the house most nights.”

Bucky feels his chest tighten in response. “I got drunk a lot and tried to hook up with people but they always ended up leaving when I started saying your name. I don’t think I could’ve actually done it with them anyway. It hurt too much tonight doing it while watching you, I couldn’t of gone home with either of them.”

Bucky felt Steve tense, “I only did it to make you jealous. Cause I’m sick in the head and I couldn’t think of anything else. I’m messed up and I need help.”

“I can help you.” Steve stated.

“No. No Stevie your way too good for me and I can admit that. You deserve to go and have a great college life without me, well what remains anyway.”

“Nah.” Steve shakes his head solemnly, “I couldn’t even if I tried Buck. All I have thought about was you for the past two months even though you broke my heart, I guess I’m messed up too. But now that I know...I want to help you. I love you and I care way too much about you even now.”

“Why?” Bucky asks.

Steve slowly reaches down and laces his fingers through Bucky’s. The familiar warmth jolting him. Steve’s slender fingers grasping Bucky’s as he wraps them so he’s gripping Bucky. Avoiding the bleeding divots of his knuckle. 

“I don’t know yet. Maybe it’s the universe, maybe it’s the alcohol or maybe it’s my heart beating so fast I can’t think straight- no pun intended- but I’m looking at you and my heart is telling me it wants you. I want you. Messed up bits and all. I want to help you and I want to be there.”

Bucky feels the warmth spread over him, the tightness in his chest relaxing as he sighs. His head falling forward onto Steve’s shoulder. He feels Steve’s shoulder muscles twisting and relaxing as he sighs. 

Bucky closes his eyes and takes in a deep breathe of Steve, close enough to him that the familiar scent of pine wood aftershave mixed with his scent brings back memories of his past that make him smile. 

A smile that he hasn’t felt in a long while and welcomes with open arms.


End file.
